On Angel’s Wings

All I want to do is draw angels. I want to draw these seraphim that will take my human woes away from this aching heart. The passing of my cousin 3 weeks ago still tears at me, and it’s a process that will just have to be. But Heaven help me, I want to run away. I want to live out my life in honor of my cousin’s life. His suicide won’t be forgotten, but more importantly, the feeling of him… of Ryan feeling more like an angel than my little cousin feels both comforting and scary. That a life so young, at 17, taken away by his own choice. I can’t even describe the sorrow our family has endured and will continue to heal from. Half the time I want to break walls. Drive my car to their house and see him chilling like a villain in the living room on the couch playing video games with all the boys. The other half, it feels like I could fall deep into myself and give up EVERYTHING here, to start anew, to honor his life, by living a dream come true, a life worth celebrating. Ryan’s life was celebrated in so many ways, with each passing day… it’s just a surreal feeling, and I’m afraid to have become numb to his passing. I didn’t cry as much as everyone. One might even be worried that I wasn’t in mourning, but that’s a lie.

You have to pay a price for those wings.

Because I couldn’t draw for what seemed like an eternity. And then… I drew what felt so raw and real to me. I drew this from the heart and it breaks me to know that I made it, because it just seems so wrong but, I think, it was me finally getting out of denial over all that’s happened. The hardest part in all of this is the visceral disconnect that overwhelms me when I think about it for too long, or when it simply catches me off-guard. Like skinny jeans on display at work, his sunglasses, the haircut that several of the grand-boys have donned in his honor. These little things are adding up; I’ve always been one of great detail. And Ryan had a smile to shine like the sun, a laugh that ran through the house and you just KNEW, you knew that life was good because Ryan was a part of it. But now… now its’ like… God, all the pain he must have endured to have felt that such a selfish act was the only way out. And that’s what’s been tearing at each and everyone one of us, despite our desires and hopes of moving on. We’re so afraid of letting go that, at least in me, I still feel this stain of guilt, of shame, of “if onlys” and they don’t just disappear overnight. I’ve come to respect this shame for what is it. It’s a lesson I have to learn, and I believe each of us also know this to be the deepest, harshest truth we’ll carry with us for the rest of our lives.

With the coming of Ryan’s angel wings, I was able to get a few more scribbles out. Life unto itself has been pretty busy so enjoy what few strokes of ink and lead I’ve graced on paper fibers. I need to find my artistic focus now. Ryan left that job up to me now, the brat. =sigh=

Bauhaus randomness

A set of images that came out due to someone else's vision. I'm intrigued to where this might go.

So let us see where I will go these days. The paths are before me, and some shine brighter than others. I have to be true through this time of mind-numbing insanity. Time to dream, my lovelies~

Back from the dead -literally.

Its been exactly one month since my last posting. Ramblings of my travels abroad, with hints of displeasure and insomnia filled my life moments, yet all the while the slate remains blank and ready for the kill. Still, nothing leaves the pencil like it used to. I’ve been disappointed, anxious, and even scarred, really, from what’s happened to me. You see, I experienced jet lag with some major consequences. 15 hours of time traveling, this silly psyche of mine had to endure. And all the while, I was thinking “Yeah, I’m cool. I’m awesome. I can do this. I can get by. Nothing can stop me. I even missed an earthquake by a mere 12 hours!” No, no, if you must know, if you dare to care, I had gotten into a car accident on the 25th of March, a mere 2 days after my arrival home.

How to describe it? Imagine shutting off the lights. Complete blackout. Blink of an eye. Not even a blink. Just shut down. Next thing you know, you turn on the TV, and you see a well coordinated scene, first perspective, driver veering the steering wheel to avoid the fire hydrant after running through some shrubbery on the right side of the vehicle. Air bags engage after slamming on the breaks and somehow maneuvering back onto the main road. People were honking behind you. The radio is blasting some horrible music -electronica will never sound the same again. Peacoats will have a foreign feel to them, like a skin you want to peel off, even though you know you belong in them. And scarves scattered with shattered glass make you wonder if you were dreaming in diamonds the whole time. No, it happened. I still can’t remember what I hit on the left side -the DRIVER’S side- to cause the body damage and broken glass. I’m not sure if I want to know the truth; you can’t unlearn it once its placed in that weird place called memory.

I’ve been having some nightmares too. Good psychological coping/escapism when I think I’m safe from myself. What a joke. I know, its horrible. And people have been telling me I should get behind the wheel again -but I’m honestly afraid now. I want to drive in the car I desire, something that will sync up to me, match my personality, flow with the contingency of my lifestyle. But since I cannot afford it out of pocket, I’m going to simply say it’s not time for me to drive right now. The bills are high and the stakes even higher.

<insert melancholy sigh that no one really likes and is done purely for my benefit>

Well, I’m alive. In one piece. With some sore stuff. A roughed-up, jaded heart. Repatching with duct tape, until I can find some decent superglue and a one-way ticket to Tokyo or Kobe. You know, for some the okonomiyaki my host mother for me made 10 years ago.

I miss those bike rides through the grocery alleys. I think I’ll shoot for that life, after this go-around.
Art to be inspired by bittersweet yet much needed musings. And heat from a space heater!

Click on full size for details.

Also, just as an update: the illustration I submitted didn’t get placed for SakuraCon 2011 Mascot. So, without further adieu, here is the drawing I did. Ta-da~

Time traveling

I leave for the Philippines in less than 8 hours. Here’s some left over illustrations before I become a luddite for the next 10 days. Ciao~

I cannot draw men!

I am making this post to lament about my inability to draw men. Faces, body structure, I just cannot capture the huMAN element at all! ARGH! This frustrates me, that I feel so limited in my abilities, in my creativity. That I cannot even make caricatures of people I know, or images of people I know, or of people that actually EXIST. I’m frustrated! Men, to a greater extent, plague my drawing hand to no ends. Here I will post some random observation because I never noted it until today.

First off, more hair girls.

I drew her last night before passing out. I find myself obsessed with making a surreal face. Not necessarily in the anime style, but not finding myself following any sort of traditional drawing style. I’m simply exploring the power of the line. Especially with hair. It’s like looking at hair first thing in the morning in sunlight. It dances with the rays. It deflects light in strange ways. Sometimes it doesn’t look like its there, yet we know that it IS there. Hair, light, both. It’s intriguing.

This resembles what a tired self-portrait would be in this style. It’s pretty close. Big lips. Tired eyes. Hair that doesn’t know where to go most of the time. It’s even parted the way my hair is naturally parted. But why would this really be a self-portrait? Because it showcases my tiredneess of the world around me. That existence seems draining, almost, instead of encouraging, worthwhile, peaceful, meaningful. Flat lines, flat composure. Funny nose. Definitely a tired self-portrait. But I like it. I’m drawn to it. It’s an image I won’t neglect. Its not completely accurate either. For one thing, my hair is actually longer now. Finally!

She’s obscure, both in composure and in her attitude. But she HAS attitude. That’s what strikes me the most. Drew this one this morning, first thing. She could be strawberry blonde with brown eyes. But not a blonde. I don’t know why. She’s not that striking, I think, in her facial structure. Maybe its the lack of big lips. Hm.

I definitely do have fun making scribbles in this style. They remind me of my swirl pieces. Only with my .5 pencil instead of fine point sharpies. Less chances of getting high from fumes -lol!

Now begins the reason why I felt so devastated earlier in my post. Roni Weiss asked me to draw sketches of him. I’m not good of people I know. I’m even worse with people I DON’T know. David Hoang is a true artist, in my humble opinion! I was delaying in sketching out Roni, mainly because I’d been busy. Even in my escapism to Bauhaus, I’d leave the laptop at home, where his images were on my desktop for reference-on-the-go. But alas! I never really got around to it. So after his Nth message (I’ve lost track of how many requests he sent me), I scribbled something. And I was about to just crumble it up and recycle the piece of paper until I decided to give it another try.

Attempt 2. I know what doesn’t look “right” but at the same time, I cannot get myself to put it out the way it ought to be. I’m frustrated after this one, even more so, so I took a cheese and cupcake break and thought about what was bothering me so much about making his sketch.

Maybe its the hair. Maybe its the lack of glasses. Glasses are fun. Shiny. Did I mention fun and shiny? Because I like fun and shiny. He’s also got this big shit-eating grin. Its rather infectious, I think. Most men don’t carry such a jovial aura around them -and I’m not quite sure what I’m trying to capture in my sketches yet. Guess its just time for me to learn more about Roni.

Enter Matt. I met him a little over a year ago. I decided to do a quick experiment. I drew sketches based on my friends’ profile picture. I chose 2 men: the first one being Matt because of our history. I’ve known him longest of the three (Roni, Matt, and Micah), yet have only spent so much time with the philosopher. And as I look at the image of Matt, it captures his smirk’s personality that I know rather well. He talked more than me -and finding a man that talked more than me was both surprising and annoying. I can tolerate him in doses

Pleased and genuinely surprised by Matt’s sketch, I did a quick doodle of Micah, whom I’ve only known since December, but have been spending much more time & energy with in communication to recent memory. How much more confident I was in getting this out! I think it also has to do with an ideal I hold on men in general (athletic, lean All-American boy next door + clean cut executive style) so to sketch Micah out was much easier. It was also the quickest sketch. Then again, the way I met Micah is pretty memorable, so maybe I’m going to have the image of boy flying through the grocery store getting last minute supplies to ring in the new year in style only befit of his personality.

So back to Roni. I did one more doodle, which I promptly threw into the recycling bin, and threw this one together, pretending that he was super upset at me (he probably is…) and whatdoyaknow, I think this was pretty fun, regardless of how “close” it was to him! The internet can only show so much of someone’s personality and I can only translate so much of that to the paper fibers before me.

And so I hope you all enjoyed this set. I’m going to finish packing. I have to work the next three days, and then fly out Sunday afternoon! Ciao for now!

Swirls

Click for full-size please

Nothing like sharpies to make the night wonderful <3

Packing and getting ready for my trip! Exciting stuff I tell you. I’m nervous about flying solo, but I’ll live. I’m a grown adult, I tell myself, but everyone will tell you otherwise!

Goodnight. Ciao for now!

Image Dump! #2

Truth be told, I was at Bauhaus last night and the night before. Also, I have to admit, I have several sketches from my SakuraCon mascot preparation. I may not show one or two, due to the fact that I will use them if I don’t end up winning the contest, in order to make a new one for next year. Anyway! Spoiled myself rather rotten with hours of selfish indulgence of city lights and a life I find myself intrigued by. Without further adieu, enjoy!

I was making two kids as something to consider for my mascot submission for sakuracon.org

It’s always been one person. With the exclusion of twins one year. SO! big brother + little sister! Maybe next year?

Reminded me too much of Winifred

Sassy

Its so anime cliche, I decided against it. Done at Bauhaus.

I like faces. They can be pretty to look at.

There was rumor of snow, which inspired the hat and gloves.

Some faces aren't so pretty, yet striking all the same.

A plausible character design for my friend's short story idea, Sodium. An alien species that have a thing for tatoos.

An image contemplation on the "ideal couple"

Inspired by my "recently discovered style"

Who doesn't love big, pointy ears?

I have ideas brewing from this one.

Several faces caught my eye while at the Haus. Modified a few to not look like the people I saw, but captured their essence, nonetheless.

This one, and the ones following, were done last night during my “accidental” stop to Buahaus after dinner with Josh at Maekawa. I am quiet pleased at this “drilling” I give myself . Quite a few unique pieces are coming out that I honestly did not know I could create. It’s such an enriching & empowering feeling!

Dress, cardigan, leggings, ankle boots. Her glasses caught my attention.

Me and my birdy I was focusing my attention to details in the hair. Simplistic yet alluring.

I wonder where I pulled this one out of my imagination. Part DragonBall Z, part Final Fantasy, perhaps?

I’m quiet pleased with this one in particular. I had to stop in the middle of the piece in order to create the outfit guide on the next illustration. I then proceeded to tighten up the lines and give it a cleaner look.

Tentative character design for the smoking man in the robe.

I switched over to my ink pen and just let it fly on its own accord. The line work done on the bottom half of the image were excercises in "less is more" imagery.

More line work done in ink.

I was on Capitol Hill. Of course all my boys are going to look a little femme. Can't help it! Done in pencil.

Thanks for looking at ALL of those pieces! I have several projects to focus some of my time on, including but not limited to people illustrations as well as some writing pieces that need some penning. Off to work at my new job! Have a great date!

Not Dead!

Today’s illustration was done today while at Trabant in the U-district (read Scott Bush’s review here!). My sister Michelle was doing a group project so her boyfriend and I sat in another section overlooking the street. I noticed this couple sitting together waiting for the bus on 45th & Brooklyn, a very hot spot for the Metro Transit. I did several things different in this illustration: closed eye shapes (instead of the infamous big blue eye look that most anime-esque images showcase) and simple, linear structure. I’m incredibly attracted to this image, and I did a few others, though with seemingly less pleasing results. I may just create vector images out of the re-do sketches I’ll create, but when I have more time. (FYI, these were all done on blue paper, but for the sake of visibility, I’ve edited them into grayscale images.)

I do believe she acts like she's interested in what he's talking about.

You see, I’ve been MIA for two key reasons: I got a job transfer (after weeks of insufficient communication) and a vacation trip to the Philippines. I’ve also been busy with a rather odd social life, taking photos for epiem at the Kombat Casalettlo fashion show at IMO with my Nikon D50 & 50mm prime lens (Thursday), then using Micah’s beast of a D90 with his lens and snazzy flash on Friday at the Global Semi-Formal Networking event in Belltown. (Appropriate links to be included when photo sets are completed via epiem). Needless to say, I’ve been wiped out (also still fighting a killer cold and ALLERGIES ~thank you, nice Seattle weather) and I’m rather nervous to be flying by myself to Cebu = almost 20hrs of travel time one-way from the states! YIKES! But I’m excited to be going! It’s been four years since I’ve gone and I know I’ve needed this vacation~

Until next time (hopefully tomorrow, perhaps by Wednesday)~ Oh, and its NOT like I haven’t been sketching. I’ve simply been too disappointed in my work to share any of it ;P

~V

Photoshop scribbles

Photoshop scribble with “Kings & Queens” on repeat.

Coloring done while listening to “Meet Me Halfway” on repeat. I know, talk about two different songs.

Time to dream. This was fun

Oh, yeah, and I have SEVERAL ideas for my mascot submission. BUT… I’ll focus on one, MAYBE two, at the most. Ciao for now~

SakuraCon: first musings (or, where are my drawings?!)

For SakuraCon 2010, I have decided to volunteer on staff for registration. Its 16 hours, give or take, of getting people into the convention during the pre-reg+3-day run. That leave me ample time to wander around when I’m off shift to take photos and to  mingle amongst the masses. I’m also participating in the mascot contest, so any illustrations I am working on, unfortunately, cannot be made public until the winners are announced at the convention. So you’ll have to forgive me for being seemingly quiet on my own journal; the ideas for the mascot are coming out in a rush (this is what happened in 2008, actually, right before my first time at the convention) so I’ll post SOMETHING up that ISN’T related to the mascot contest later. PROMISE! Hope this finds the world well. And if not, then I wish you a good day/night/moment anyway There’s too much beauty in the world to stay unhappy. Love you all!

Image Dump

Overall, I had lot of fun making these. Enjoy. More to come, sooner over later and back on a better schedule, I hope! ♥

Midnight doodle before bed.

Pencil sketch drew while out in the sun getting Vitamin D

Oh, hallo.

Little mermaid, meet the fail whale before he flies off ^,^;;

We all feel like it sometimes.

Reminded me of my coworker Annie, counter manager of our Impulse Beauty section at Macy’s. She’s pretty badass.

Yay, blue ink! ♥♥♥

Lent

Today is Ash Wednesday and, yes, I did get ashes on my forehead. Its not just an outward symbol of contemplative sacrifices I’m choosing to make, but rather, a good time to focus on discipline, meditation, and almost a close-minded perspective of my life right now. Think New Years, Chinese New Year, and a funeral. I know, horrible analogy. But its a joyous time in that, we are given an opportunity to re-evaluate our lives through our lifestyles, change the ones that make the most difference, and celebrate it amongst our community members in little and big ways. It IS a somber time, leading up to Easter, and this year I plan on embracing my ideals to a new level for self-growth. Here is my Lenten Mission & Vision Statement, down to the core. It took me a few days to think up, but having 3 points is always solid. Everything works well in 3s

My Lenten Mission & Vision Statement

• By Giving Up Unnecessary Food: I focus on my basic needs, simplifying my diet & not wasting my resources.
• By Not Shopping For Unnecessary Goods: I start disciplining myself away from the concepts of materialism, focusing instead on the blessings I already have from God.
  
• By Going Out Less: I focus on meditations & prayer, finding my balance in my day-to-day life through faith.

This is MY plan, as simple as it is, but I believe it shall provide profound results in how I approach my life. With my Little Black Book to be my guide, I believe that a little at a time will go a long way on this journey.

Peace be unto all of you. Off to work

Today’s Scribbles

At Bauhaus this evening. Spent the last half of it with Matt in deep contemplations about things. He’s a good guy, albeit a bit on the intense side when you find out his passions. Not that its a bad thing

First sketch of the night.
Pencil (4B + B)
15 minutes

Sharpie scribbles.
apx 10 minutes

Old inspires the new.
Sharpier contemplations
Apx 20 mins.

On A String

Here’s where I’m at. Silly heart is on a string. I’m your little doll, I wish you’d play with me. And to be truthful, this had NOTHING to do with Valentine’s Day. But eh, all hearts heal. Everyone gets stitched up somehow, someway. For now… well, here we go, wretchedness~

A Valentine for the masses ♥

The original pencil sketch, inspired by the sweet egram I received from my Santa Cat. I miss that kitten. No one appreciates cookies the way he does.

And here’s a colored digi-version of the sketch Time to sleep, for I must work! Ta! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Simple day, simple art

"Singularity" by The Ever Changing Sky

I decided to listen to  “Singularity” on repeat until I felt satisfied with whatever came out on the piece of paper. I miss playing with the band, to be sure, but Danny does such an amazing job on the viola. Its such a warm tone, you cannot resist its charm in the blend of the band’s overall tonality.

inspired by "Rendered Yards" by Gregor Samsa

For this one, I picked a song that I had never heard which I recently acquired through Brian’s recommendation. I listened to it once, then let it go the entire time I built this piece. Sharpies and Prismacolor markers, because I had quite a few that were dying out and needed to simply be used I’m not normally a color person, let alone markers being used so vibrantly and almost wickedly carefree. Hm. Inspiring, I think, for more pieces to come. Time to dream. Have a happy Friday!