All I want to do is draw angels. I want to draw these seraphim that will take my human woes away from this aching heart. The passing of my cousin 3 weeks ago still tears at me, and it’s a process that will just have to be. But Heaven help me, I want to run away. I want to live out my life in honor of my cousin’s life. His suicide won’t be forgotten, but more importantly, the feeling of him… of Ryan feeling more like an angel than my little cousin feels both comforting and scary. That a life so young, at 17, taken away by his own choice. I can’t even describe the sorrow our family has endured and will continue to heal from. Half the time I want to break walls. Drive my car to their house and see him chilling like a villain in the living room on the couch playing video games with all the boys. The other half, it feels like I could fall deep into myself and give up EVERYTHING here, to start anew, to honor his life, by living a dream come true, a life worth celebrating. Ryan’s life was celebrated in so many ways, with each passing day… it’s just a surreal feeling, and I’m afraid to have become numb to his passing. I didn’t cry as much as everyone. One might even be worried that I wasn’t in mourning, but that’s a lie.
You have to pay a price for those wings.
Because I couldn’t draw for what seemed like an eternity. And then… I drew what felt so raw and real to me. I drew this from the heart and it breaks me to know that I made it, because it just seems so wrong but, I think, it was me finally getting out of denial over all that’s happened. The hardest part in all of this is the visceral disconnect that overwhelms me when I think about it for too long, or when it simply catches me off-guard. Like skinny jeans on display at work, his sunglasses, the haircut that several of the grand-boys have donned in his honor. These little things are adding up; I’ve always been one of great detail. And Ryan had a smile to shine like the sun, a laugh that ran through the house and you just KNEW, you knew that life was good because Ryan was a part of it. But now… now its’ like… God, all the pain he must have endured to have felt that such a selfish act was the only way out. And that’s what’s been tearing at each and everyone one of us, despite our desires and hopes of moving on. We’re so afraid of letting go that, at least in me, I still feel this stain of guilt, of shame, of “if onlys” and they don’t just disappear overnight. I’ve come to respect this shame for what is it. It’s a lesson I have to learn, and I believe each of us also know this to be the deepest, harshest truth we’ll carry with us for the rest of our lives.
With the coming of Ryan’s angel wings, I was able to get a few more scribbles out. Life unto itself has been pretty busy so enjoy what few strokes of ink and lead I’ve graced on paper fibers. I need to find my artistic focus now. Ryan left that job up to me now, the brat. =sigh=
Bauhaus randomness
A set of images that came out due to someone else's vision. I'm intrigued to where this might go.
So let us see where I will go these days. The paths are before me, and some shine brighter than others. I have to be true through this time of mind-numbing insanity. Time to dream, my lovelies~
Posted by bauhausbrat 
